25w3d

I had my last appointment today that’s 4 weeks after my last one, I graduate soon to the 2 weeks spacing. My next appointment is 3 weeks from now since I switched offices and got a somewhat late start.

These appointments are so fast. Pee in a cup. Check my weight and BP. Check her heartbeat, measure the belly. The end.

The doctor didn’t tell me how big my belly was today but I measured at home and was still getting a week ahead (all those tuition dollars were good for something! I know how to accurately measure fundal height) so she seems to be growing fine. I’m pretty sure she was awake and partying all day yesterday. I got up at 5 to pee and couldn’t fall back asleep cause her kicks are sometime so strong now. Then all day long I could feel her grooving while I was seeing patients and when I would sit down to dictate I could even see my belly moving. So I think she’s good.

My weight gain is somewhat shameful, I mean, I’ll be glad I don’t have a ton of weight to lose at the end, but I’m up to 136lbs now. With shoes. Which has me at a grand total of 6lbs at 25+ weeks. Which makes me feel slightly guilty I’m not feeding her enough. Obviously she’s growing fine, but. I’m not taking zofran anymore, not since t giving, but so much just sounds unappetizing still and I get to feel so full, that eating becomes uninteresting to me.

We’re still in hot debate of a name :-/ hopefully well come up with something before April!

24w1d — Plus Bonus: What flavor baby is it?!

According to my phone tracker baby SSFB is now the size of a eggplant =o ! And close to 2lbs! I’ve definitely made it to the “she’s pregnant” appearance rather than a “is she pregnant or did she just have too many cookies?”

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As far as I know things are going well. I first felt the baby move at 16 weeks, just a couple

light taps at first that left me thinking “is that what I thought it was?” and then it slowly increased in frequency to maybe once a day, then maybe more than once a day, then right at about 18 weeks I caught the first kick from the outside with my hand. At 19w3d I managed to get hubbin to catch his first kick with his hand, which was magical and I finally allowed him to post about it on facebook cause he was SO excited. Now I feel definite periods of activity versus baby sleep

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We had our big ultrasound about a month ago and managed to keep it a secret from alllllll family members, including my MIL who lives in our basement. I bought little gender appropriate colored items (just small things like a bib that says “I love grandma” etc) for them to open on Thanksgiving so everyone could learn at the SAME time this time, unlike the

beginning when he told his mom weeks before I was aware and weeks before we told my parents.

Image My official weight gain right now is 5-6 lbs. I’m pretty sure one of us is gaining weight cause my belly is big and bras don’t fit, I’m just not sure it’s me, my face looks thinner like I’ve lost weight. My excuse is I’m still just plain not feeling well most of the time, I was super looking forward to having cart blanche to eat whatever I wanted and be like “mwa haha! I’m pregnant who cares!”… but I find most foods to still be fairly off putting. I totally bought the rumor that morning sickness is only a little past the first trimester, but I’ve had to keep calling for zofran refills. I’ve managed to not take any since thanksgiving but have only probably had a mild uptake in food since then. Anyway without further ado…..



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It’s a GIRL!!!!

Hubbin was kind of hoping for a girl, I am pretty sure I didn’t have a preference after waiting for so long, but am a little nervous I’m not ‘girly’ enough for a girl.

15w4d Update

A lot has happened since the last post. Everything is ultimately going well but we had a verrrrrrry stressful two weeks. The NT test results and most of the first trimester screening were good but I got an unexpected phone call from my doctors office about mid 12 weeks which I thought was going to be about my thyroid levels but turned out to be a positive cystic fibrosis screening.

Que Panic Attacks.

So because of the infertility stuff I had really not let myself get attached or accepted this was happening, or really told anyone. I was kind of trying to shut it all out until after the 12 weeks screening stuff at least and I had a few days following the scan to start finally letting myself be happy and excited and then the test came back positive and I felt like it was all destroyed again. I got the phone call at work which was really rough making it through the rest of my shift.

Hubbin went down that same day to have his blood drawn and then it took 1.5 weeks to finally get his results back, which were negative, thank god. But it was 1.5 weeks of total freak out.

Since then I’ve been doing a bit better, I’m still struggling a lot more than I expected to getting over all of my infertility emotions? Which I wasn’t really expecting. I expected to just move on, and be happy, and excited. I’m not sure when it will seem real.

I finally told my boss, which was terrifying. He’s really a great boss and nice… but he’s stoic and quiet and I honestly felt like I was 15 year old telling my dad I was pregnant… complete with fumbling for the door knob on the way out of his office. I’ve told a handful of other people since then, and I think the rumor might slowly be spreading around work. Its not that I don’t want people to know, I mean… I think in another week it’s going to be super obvious because I’m slowly bridging the gap right now between out-of-control-muffin-top vs pregnant bump. (I think I’m still kind of semi-sucking it in most of the time, but I’m not able to do that as well as before) I don’t think it’s crazy obvious most of the time, but I think it’s close. I just feel weird telling people? I’m a fairly private person to begin with, but I also just feel weird sharing unsolicited information? The secretary came up yesterday and asked me “are you pregnant?.. because I heard, but wasn’t sure” and I said yes and she said “but it seems like not everyone knows? Did you tell everyone?” … not really… I mean, do people do that? just randomly announce in the middle of ┬átheir department that they’re pregnant? Like “good morning SSFB how are you?” “Great, I’m pregnant!” ???? It just seems weird to me. Although I’m sure it’s because I’ve only really known most of these people since July so it’s not like we know each other all very well anyway? At least that’s how I feel about it. I did tell all the people I know who came from the same hospital I used to work at.

My plan is to tell my old coworkers at a party we’re having on the 24th of this month… to tell my highschool friends at a wedding we’re all going to at the beginning of November. And to tell the rest of my extended family at my uncles wedding at the end of October. But then I wonder if I’m being the weird one, like “Hiiiii, oh this? this is my 19 week pregnant belly!” which I guess is a little more backwards than most people about pregnancy.

Unlike Hubbin who is the total polar opposite and has told everyone he’s encountered from car salesmen to cashiers since like JULY when the baby was nothing more than a second line on a pee stick.

Maybe I need therapy! ha!

Everything is going well though. I’m struggling with current symptoms of constipation (OMG, this has NEVER been an issue for me before and I have no idea how to handle it) headaches and nausea. I totally bought the rumor nausea would be gone by now. They finally gave me some zofran at my 13 week appointment so I’m doing MUCH better. I weighed myself at work this week and I weighed 132. I was about 130 when I got pregnant but have kind of been fluctuating between 130-135 for the last year. I was pretty sure I had gained way more because my pants were totally not fitting but I didn’t really have a”belly” yet and plus all the trackers were like “baby is the size of a plum!” “baby is the size of an orange!” but I’m apparently pretty on track. Which is good because I haven’t been doing any better working out whatsoever.

I’m going to sign off for now and get back to cleaning my office and trying to relocate all my worldly possessions to make room for a baby.

12 Weeks Today

So far so good! I really owe you guys a real update but am almost NEVER on my computer now that school is over and now that I started my new job (and get my ass handed to me on a daily basis. Seriously. It’s rough. I like the paycheck but… REALLY miss my old job) plus I’m working 3-12s and 4-12s alternating weeks so… It’s a lot.

Anyway. I’m 12 weeks today and everything seems to be going well. I still have completely not overcome all of my infertility emotions. Like. Convinced things won’t work out. Plus I think I have a little PTSD from all the miscarriages I took care of at my old job (probably 3 or more a shift?). Life is just so fragile.

In short. I’ve told my parents and my two friends who had been following our saga closely. Hubbin? Has a big mouth. I’m pretty sure everyone who’s encountered him knows. Which was okay until we were at a party with his side of the family a week or so ago and EVERYONE was loudly asking me all kinds of questions. We had a fight. Then he yelled at his mom for telling all of them. I try to be understanding of the people who just don’t know how fragile life can be but… It’s hard. I’ve totally fished dead babies exactly this gestation out of the toilet in the ER. It’s hard to forget that stuff. Even if they weren’t my miscarriages

Anyway. More pleasant subjects:

We had our first trimester screening (nuchal translucency) ultrasound this week. Hubbin couldn’t get off work so I took my mom. The baby was suuuuuuper cute. Bouncy. Hands. Feet. The whole nine yards. It made me a lot more excited. And I handled talking about the baby in real terms in public when we went out to dinner with some of Hubbins friends tonight.

Here it is: Three days ago. …and that’s a little hand in front of the face all dramatic like.

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Betas

7/21 = 214
7/23 = 440

Perfect! I couldn’t have asked for better numbers! Our ultrasound is booked for the 8th. They wanted the 2nd but I’m working every available day til the 8th. I was pretty bummed. And doubly bummed since I was to have ultrasounds at 6&8 weeks before they release me but she said “well at 7 weeks if it looks good we can release you then” I was looking forward to two peaks in there :-/

7/17/12

So I interrupt my regularly scheduled dull drum to let you know about a VERY exciting development. Following a 12 hour shift on 10 days past IUI #5 I lost my resolve to wait until my first morning pee the next day and tested.

The pink color scrolled right by the test line and filled up the control line and I was grouchy. Then I started brushing my teeth to get ready for bed and looked over… And lo… Something I’d never ever seen before was looking at me… A second line. I’m attaching the first original picture. My honest response (since I was home alone at the time) was to keep walking over and looking at it and saying aloud to myself “that’s not a joke?” “that’s not a joke”

I’ve of course gone through handfuls of my cheapie tests since then usually more than one a day. You know. Just to check.

I called the clinic 13dpiui just to be like “umm, I know I’m calling a day early but I’ve been getting positives at home for a few days now” so they brought me in the next morning for bloodwork.

I asked the lady drawing my blood yesterday “so when they call me with the number is that when they schedule me for Monday?” and she said “Why? Did you take a home test” I said “umm, more than I care to admit” she laughed and said “yeah that’s when they schedule you, don’t worry I won’t ask how many you took”. I said “good cause I honestly couldn’t tell you”

My first beta came back at 214!!! I feel like that’s a solid start. I keep having occassional cramping or sharp pains and expecting my period to start but no spotting so far… I go in Monday morning for a repeat and if it’s up by >60% I go in for an ultrasound at 6 & 8 weeks before they release me to my OB doctor.

So. We’re SUPER excited. I get a little nervous every time I get a cramp and I’m somewhat holding my breath til they call me with a number Monday afternoon.20120722-162620.jpg

No Closer

You’ve missed a lot and I’m not going to bother going through all the details, I might in a future post. The summary is IUI #4 should be in the next couple of days. I, once again, did not get a positive OPK at home so they have to bring me in for bloodwork and ultrasound to see about timing ($$$). So my hopes for a birthday IUI have been dashed… Although, my birthday didn’t serve as a particularly lucky totem as a testing day LAST summer when my period arrived on my birthday as scheduled.

My guess is it will be Tuesday. My lower belly is feeling tender and bloated like it has been the last few clomid cycles prior to ovulation. I hope I ovulate all the eggs produced, I’m a bit worried with the lack of positive OPK that I might not be releasing them all.

After this month I think we’ll be taking a break for a while… I don’t know for how long. Maybe wait til next summer? Maybe save for IVF? I get all anxious just thinking about IVF though. Number 1 because it’s SO expensive (and I’m a cheap bastard) and Number 2 I have NO, no, no, NO idea how I can work in all those appointments and procedures with my work schedule. After this IUI I have to schedule an appointment with the doctor for July to discuss everything and make a new plan, when I told Hubbin he of course was like “why?” (men!) … He still thinks all these failed cycles are somehow related to my stress/anxiety whatnot. He always tries to explain that he doesn’t think it’s ‘my fault’, but every time he throws a theory out there of why it’s not working its directly related to me. Which is frustrating. I guess if the only thing that’s ever been checked on you is 1 test and it was fine you probably would be inclined to think it’s the other person. He seems to forget they’ve worked me up and found nothing either.

I probably *should* be on an anti-depressant at this point, I’m sure I probably should have been for a while, but I’ve been putting it off because they don’t like you to take them while pregnant and I kind of thought that would happen by now… If we take an extended break I may go see my doctor to talk about it. This infertility thing has been very depressing.

–I also put off starting to dye my grey hair for like 2 years after I thought I wanted to start cause I kept thinking “what’s the point of starting if we have a baby and I need to quit”, I finally gave in after our first failed IUI. I guess this will be like that. I’ve been having a lot of reflective sort of moments after the last few weeks, I don’t know why they keep popping into my head. Like remember when you did this and thought you might get pregnant. Remember when you thought you might be pregnant by XYZ holiday or occasion. Remember when you bought your first box of ovulation tests and thought “HA! This is it! This is what I’ve been missing!” (along with the same thought every time you tried something new or bought another fertility related item.

I try really hard to NOT think like that now that I know those thoughts haunt you for forever. But sometimes you can’t help it. Sometimes the thoughts like “I hope I’m pregnant by Christmas” just pop into your head. Or I hope I have a baby by the time I turn. ___. It’s awfully hard to not have those thoughts.

I remember back in the day before we started all this, I wanted to have at least 1 child by the time I was 30 so I would have time to have the option of having a second child before I turned 35…. Now I turn 31 tomorrow and am no closer to having a first child.