Rockin’ 100s

So today is my first day of my actual winter break, I have four whole days off without any work or school! Two days ago Hubbin’ asked what I wanted to do and I said “a lot of sleeping, and a lot of laying around watching TV and relaxing”.

Joke’s on me.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a sore throat and while I was at work my temp kept going up. All the way up to 100.6. Let me tell you the last thing I wanted to be doing was helping other people when I felt so yucky.  Iwas hoping to wake up feeling better this morning, but I’m still rocking the 100s today. I heart motrin. My throat is killing me, I’m drinking warm jello and sent Hubbin’ out to get a little soup and stuff. Here’s hoping I wake up feeling better tomorrow so I can actually enjoy my days off!!!

Anxiety

I’m so anxious. Occasionally I think I’m depressed but I think the heart of the issue is anxiety. Sometimes I think I should talk to someone about being on medication.  On a scale of 1-10 I would rate my current anxiety level an 11.  I nearly started spontaneously crying 3 times today while Christmas shopping and once during our dinner date. I’ve tried to tell Hubbin but he keeps asking “What are you anxious about?” I keep saying “everything”. It’s hard to explain. The simple fact of existing right now is making me feel anxious. I really hoped that when my final ended on Monday I would feel relief… I haven’t yet.

Today was my first of two days off since school ended Monday. I did, by the way, score precisely what I predicted I would: 87% on the final, so I finished the class with an 87%, smack dab in the middle of B. Today I was jolted out of bed by a combination of my alarm at 7:45am and a simultaneous text message from Hubbin asking me to drop his laptop computer cord off at work for him by 8:20am between classes. As I had planned to hit the snooze button at least once, brew some coffee and waltz out of the house at 8:30 for my 10am eye appointment (on the other side of town) I had a mad dash to leave the house. Followed by a day of Christmas shopping. I’m not ready for Christmas, no I mean really. I’m just not in the mood at all. I’m not happy or festive, I’ve done nothing to prepare (before today) and we’re hosting Christmas at our house. Fabulous.

Shorts

I was tagged by Ashley Benz to come up with 7 weird things about myself… I’m working on it, but I’m in too much of a fog today so it will have to wait.

A short postlet instead:

Today I had phlebotomy (blood drawing) class: the only exciting part of orientation I’m not sure how I’m going to keep which color tubes goes first for the time being but I’m sure that comes with practice. I got blood and successfully switched tubes on my first stick on a real live person. So relieved about that! She told me it didn’t hurt but I’m a little suspicious 😉

This new schedule is going to take some getting used to as well. I’m EXHAUSTED. Completely and totally. I’m very glad I didn’t take a job at a different hospital because I think having to worry about stuff like parking and whatnot might just throw me over the edge… adjusting to punching a time clock and getting up at 5am instead of 6am is about all I can handle right now.

I’m completely zonked today after I got 6 hours of sleep last night and I will only get 5 tonight (unless by some miracle they let us out of clinical early tonight– so cross your fingers for me) So I’m not too happy I’m going to show up for my very first day on the unit at my very worst. I’m hoping the adrenaline of a new job and having a job where I’m busy will help me to overcome the all out fatigue.

Thank goodness I didn’t even try to wear my contacts today, my eyes are burning with fatigue already and it’s not even noon yet!

Overwhelmed… and rambling

Now I’m completely overwhelmed. Again. I just got finished at an open house for the grad school programs I’m interested in. Good god, what am I thinking? Soooo many credits, so much time and money. I’m starting to have a panic attack just thinking about it. What’s more, I get in a panic at the thought of having to keep up this work/school pace for another 5-6 years! help! I can’t do it! But I want to be finished sooner rather than later, so it’s a total Catch-22. From the sounds of things I have to get my BSN. Period. I don’t want to, but they’re going to make me. Fortunately I got to sit at a table with the undergraduate advisor of nursing and she was willing to answer every single one of my questions about the RN-MSN program. So the bad news is that I have to get the BSN, the good news is I can start as early as this summer on the course work…. which I totally don’t want to do! …but should.

That and when I sat in at the table of people applying to anesthesia school, it was frightening. I think that may be just a shade out of my league. They sounded an awful lot like they were applying to med school, I just didn’t have my act together enough in college to still be in competition with people like that… but my regrets from college are a whole other post topic waiting to happen. When people start making references to a 3.5 GPA as “low” I get a little creeped out.  So as much as I hate to admit it, I think my mother may be right about it being too much. I mean I’ll just come right out and tell you if I got a 3.6 GPA in undergrad I’d already be applying to medschool, F- nursing school.

Now as far as the new job goes: I spent the entire day in orientation. Enlightening. I listened to hours upon hours of PR schpiel about patient satisfaction then I took a tour of the hospital I’ve worked at for 3 years – THAT’S how enlightening my day was. Tomorrow is the actual orientation for my patient care job, so hopefully that will be a bit more exciting, followed by the orientation to their computer documentation system (I’m not holding my breath for any spine tingling excitement for that one either). I am, however, very much looking forward to Thursday (with a little nervous anticipation) because Thursday is my phlebotomy class! Yay!

I tend to be a tenative pessimist by nature. I tend to try and self-talk myself so that I’m not disappointed by experiences (ie: I’m a negative thinker) so I really hope I’m not building myself up with too much excitement about my new job because I’ve totally not tried to talk myself down from any excitement. I’m just worried I’m going to be really disappointed and the exciting-newness will wear off in a month and then I’ll be like “ehh this sucks too”…

It’s so hard to know having ONLY ever done med-surg rotations (which I’m not keen on, I’ll just admit it)… aside from the random little three week rotations we have in areas like peds and mental health to know what kind of nursing I’m interested in. They say the point of our nursing program is to prepare us to all be good med-surg nurses. But what if I don’t like med-surg? What if I don’t want to be a med-surg nurse? The first question all these grad schools or future employers ask you is what kind of nursing your interested in… well how am I supposed to know if I’ve only ever seen med-surg? So I think I might like the Emergency Department…. but having zero experience doing really anything except passing pills and rolling patients over in bed it’s kind of hard to say.

I think the ED could be a good match for me, long term wise. I hope it is. That’s why I’ve been so excited about the new job. (and can I add as a side note that I’m making a conscientious effort to actually call it the emergency department and ED… I want to call it the ER in the worst way because everytime I say ED I think of Cialis commercials) When I think about aspects of jobs that would appeal to me I think the ED fits a lot of them. A lot of the same reasons I was first interested in research really. My perception of the ED is that it’s a place to work that won’t be like an assembly line job. Like when I think labor and delivery or post-partum (the only other rotation I really liked) it seemed very much like “and here’s another baby. and here’s another baby. and HERE’s another baby”… I want to get to see and do different things on a daily basis. Not to mention, that blood and guts stuff? That’s always appealed to me. My absolute favorite show when I was little? Rescue 911. I kid you not, I’m looking online now, that show started when I was 8 and I watched religiously. My mom actually brought that up the other day when I stopped up to the OR to see her. She was telling her friend about my new job in the ED saying: “well I guess it makes sense, I’ve never seen a little kid in love with shows like that before”.

Anyway, I’m still glad I took the job, even though trying to figure out when I’m going to squeeze things like studying and sleep in between 60 hours of work and school sends me into panic attacks. I think it was the right decision to make even though my life will absolutely totally blow until May… or maybe more…

November

Welcome to November and NaBloPoMo, Sorry I haven’t done an official start to NaBloPoMo quite yet (not that it matters now since I blew it Saturday) but my life has been downright insane for the past week. In just the past 7 days:

1. 3 big wrap-up projects my boss assigned (That I have as of yet to begin)
2. Our IRB renewal that is apparently overdue that my boss only told me about on Monday (I was approximately 130 patient files behind in the database -good god- it took me 5 days of nonstop demographics entering to catch up. I even missed lunch break twice!)
3. Then there is the rise in blood pressure anytime I’m within earshot of my coworker (I didn’t forget the story, it’s coming)
4. Our lab is moving. MOVING. This week. We have to pack up our entire lab to be relocated. Figures this move would occur my very last week in the lab… so much for those three big wrap up projects, ehh?
5. My big cardiac/respiratory test last Monday that I spent the ENTIRE weekend studying for. (I got a 90%)
6. Tuesday night I had to do my ATI practice tests for Wednesday.
7. Wednesday we had our mental health ATI and Pharm tests, I passed both and do not have to remediate thank goodness, because I just don’t think I could handle one more task right now
8. My newish (July ’06) car has an oil leak that needs an appointment
9. Hubbin can’t breathe so we missed Halloween in favor of an emergency allergist appointment. Which is fine because I forgot to buy candy anyway.
10. Thursday night our clinical instructors kept us on the floor till 11:30p, THEN we had post-conference… I didn’t even get home until after midnight then still had to take a shower because I was covered in miscellaneous patient grossness.
11. Saturday I spent the entire day at a free NCLEX review course hosted by the largest medical corporation in my area. I was completely bitter about being there but I have to admit it was way more useful than I expected it to be especially since I don’t intend to shell out any money for one of those big Kaplan courses or anything.
12. And finally Sunday (yesterday) I forced Hubbin to attend his cousin’s 11th birthday party on his own because I feel like I have not be *at home* for more than a week, and I just desperately needed some “personal time”. I’m typing this while I’m taking a break from switching out my summer/winter clothes. Finally! brrr!
13. Which speaking of “brr” Hubbin, the heat nazi, has decided that the furnace and vents are to blame for him suffocating so in a fit of experimentation he TURNED OFF OUR FURNACE! Then managed to sleep for 12 hours straight so has forbid me from turning it back on. We’re heating our house with just our gas log fireplace right now and have two furnace-people estimates next week. If there’s not a new furnace and clean vents in this house by next weekend I’m packing a bag and moving to my parents until this place warms up.
14. I just sent my second email in my third attempt to contact the Emergency Department unit director so that hopefully SOMEONE will respond to me and tell me when I’m supposed to be starting now that my first official day is only a week away. I’ve finally decided: “That’s it, if no one tells me when to come I’m just not coming” I’ve sent him two emails (which he said is the best way to contact him) and left him one voicemail (5 days ago) and I’ve got NOTHING.
15. Now I’ve got to rush to do all my med-surg paperwork because I’ve not touched it once and it’s ALL due in the next two weeks.

So those are my excuses for dropping out of the NaBloPoMo race only 3 days into it! I promise I still read all your blogs and I will continue to use the spirit of NaBloPoMo to post more often this month than last month… just bear with me 😉

Lies! All Lies!

So I had surgery just about 2 months ago now, and I’m still unwilling to say that it was worth it quite yet because my wound is still not healed and it’s still draining.

Today I had to go back to the doctor’s office again to get it inspected. The cute physicians assistant (I have a girl crush) and I are no longer friends. Holy fuck! I just had my ass cauterized!

Note to self: When you ask the physicians assistant “Will this hurt?” and she replies “it shouldn’t, but I’ll get this ready incase”… know that she is lying.It is very easy for the doctor to say “this won’t hurt” when it’s not their ass getting barbequed!

If I had known this was going to happen I would have brought some fucking pain killers! She said I might bleed some more and have black discharge but not to worry and I’m to return in 2 weeks regardless. SHIT! I’m walking around like I just got ass raped. I was driving out of the parking lot talking to myself in choppy little sentences (in my best southpark cartman voice) in between deep breaths going: “Lies!” “fuck!” going over a bump: “That bitch!”

So the official non-complaining story is that I went in and explained that I was still having drainage and it was neon yellow and she was like “well are you having any pain or feeling any lumps down there?” (infection) and I was like “no not really” and she said “Well are you noticing any improvement?” and I said “not really in the past few weeks”. And she was like “yeah this is really too long, it should be all healed by now” so then as she’s sitting down to look she says “I wonder if you have hypertrophic (excess growth) tissue” and then she says “yep, that’s exactly what the problem is” So she explains that my surgery has healed so there’s like a little flap of tissue that sometimes is covering the wound so that prevents it from healing flat which is what you want. She said she’s only seen that happen to one other person since she’s been there, so it’s rare but they have seen it. So she said “I’m going to go get some silver nitrate and put that on and that should take care of the problem and get it to heal flat” …. then she leaves the room and my brain is going “silver nitrate, silver nitrate, sounds familiar, I’m not liking the sound of this”… so she comes back and I said “So is this going to really hurt?” and she goes “no, it shouldn’t, but I’ll get a sponge of water ready to counteract it just in case” so then she chemically cauterized my ass and it’s still burning like a motherfucker 3 hours later.

Oh, what? Too much information? Well! Now we’re best friends!

tut tut

Well I’m sorry this is such a boring place to visit these days. The sad truth is it is an accurate reflection of my life. If I were to blog just what’s going on in my head it would probably be broken down like this:

75% devoted to how tired I am
8% devoted to how bored of my job I am
6% devoted to what I’m doing at work aside from working
5% devoted to how I wish I was at home sleeping
3% devoted to how I wish my tush would just heal already
2% devoted to actual extracurricular activities
1% devoted to how very real the danger of me falling asleep at my lab bench with my head falling flat in my ice bucket is

So rather than completely overloading my “Whine-fest 2007” tag, I’ve just opted to not blog. PLUS it doesn’t help the situation that my new coworker is brand new and young meaning he’s all about being productive and actively working every moment he’s at work. What’s up with that? Consequently I feel mild to moderately guilty for sitting at my computer to do non-work related activities during the work day. And let’s face it, when I get home at 11:30 or midnight I’m generally not in the mood to put my day into words. Though I’m sure it would end with “a;dklsfhjguijxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx” from me passing out on the keyboard.

Um, and can I please tell you that my new coworker actually sent my boss an email yesterday complaining that he doesn’t have enough work to do and he’s bored. WHO does that?! Please tell me! I know this only because when I went to collect a specimen from her in the OR she was like “so I got an email from [coworker] saying he’s bored and doesn’t have enough work, would you please inform him there is PLENTY to be done?” If he complains again I think I may be like “here, I have a stack of patient folders that need to be entered into the database, knock yourself out”

I will tell you however (see once I get started I can’t shut up… it’s that second cup of coffee I’m having for lunch… Yes, at 2pm) that Hubbin and I are currently midway through the second season of Prisonbreak on DVD and that is hands down the best television show EVER. If I was ever home we would already be done, it’s so addicting I will watch it episode after episode after episode.

This week was our first test for the fall semester. I got a 74% which is technically failing because a 75% is the lowest passing grade. That’s kind of disappointing, HOWEVER, the class average was 68%… so I failed, just not as badly as most people. Clincal is completely wearing me out this semester since they are keeping us each night till 11pm. (then I drive home, get there at 11:45 take a shower to wash the flith off of me, go to bed and get back up at 6am) but I have the best clinical instructor this semester, she’s AWESOME, I’m really happy with her.

Random Bits

We had an exciting weekend for us. I’ve finally made the big leap from nursing-school-context-friends with someone into real-life-friends with someone. We had them over a few weekends ago for cookout/beer on the backporch and as a result they returned the favor by inviting us over to their house for Labor Day festivities. It was a fun time, it was nice hanging out with people our, well, my, age for once. That said it was a liiiittle weird because while I like my friend very much, and her long time boyfriend seems very nice as well, his friends are SKET.CHY. Like, capitalized sketchy, not just a little bit. As in, pants down below the belt, gold chain wearing, chain smoking, finishing every sentence with “‘n-shit” sketchy. I got hit on by one member of said sketchy party. He told me this marvelously well thought out joke which I will not repeat because it’s not worth your time I will summarize only by telling you the punchline is: “everytime I drop my fly the pu$$y gets wet”. …. *blinks*…. ????…. *blinks*. I wonder if that’s worked well enough for him at any point in time that he feels it’s an appropriate pick up tactic? Unfortunately for him, I’m married and just a SHADE harder to impress.

As for my life today, I’m not going to tell you that I took a nap in the backseat of my car while my western was running. And I’m not going to tell you that I bought a bag of snyder’s honey mustard & onion pretzels today (*drool*). I also won’t tell you that I wanted a small bag but they only had large bags and now I’ve eaten nearly the whole thing. Whoopsies. They just taste so good! It ought to be a crime.

Dreaming of Sleep

…You’re just going to have to excuse spelling and grammar… I’m stareing cross-eyed at the computer and just can’t bring myself back to the top to edit.

So I’m on my 4th day of the new semester. So far this week between work and school I’ve worked 43 hours and that was just through Wednesday. I’ll be leaving clinical tonight at 11pm, so that’s another 16 hours today and 8 tomorrow. zzzzzz. I do believe I will be arriving late to work on Friday and leave late. I don’t think I can drag myself out of bed after 5 hours of sleep again.

I had a total anxiety attack last night when we were having our 1st meeting of clinical and the second clinical instructor at my site (there are two groups of us there) was saying she wanted the patient clinical prep, drug cards, care plan, and teaching plan ready to turn in for us to take care of our patients today. My jaw hit the floor and my eyes were like 3 inches wide. Because we left last night at 11, I got home about 11:45, showered, went to bed at 12:30 and got up at 6 for work where I will stay till I leave to arrive at my clinical shift beginning at 3pm. When exactly am I supposed to accomplish the 3+hours of work she assigned?! I mean drug cards, lets be honest, it takes me 45 minutes PER and I have yet to meet a hospital patient that’s on less than 6 medications.

I spent all day yesterday attempting to train my favorite coworker’s new replacement. My favorite coworker sent me an email from medschool asking for the full scoop on her replacement and this is an excerpt from what I wrote:
Email Day #1
He’s cute, as in attractive cute. My first impression was he was a little cocky, but maybe because I only saw him for 10 minutes. He so does not respect my authori-tay yet.

Email Day #2
He is cocky in a young-20s boy kind of way. We did two practice rats today, I did one and he did one along side me. Not TOO bad. He totally lacks the careful finesse we have and is more along the lines of a fellow but at his last lab was apparently dissecting retina out of mice so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that by the time he’s done with the next two practice rats it won’t look quite so hacked up. He did nick the vagina and so I had to give him a little lecture about how even little nicks are a big deal for the biomechanics testing.

This morning my boss comes out of her office and walks over to me with this like half smile on her face and telling me in a hushed voice that the fellow has already called her to bitch about the new guy, lol. The fellow told my boss that he acts very arrogant and cocky etc etc and after she showed him once how to do something he went over to the computer to work on applications for the rest of the day. lol and my boss saw me smiling and goes “what? do you think he’s cocky too?” and I said “Yeah actually I sent [old coworker] an email yesterday describing him as a cocky 22 year old boy” and she was like “oh this is not good at all, there is nothing I hate more than cocky boys, we’re going to have to stop this right away”… lol.

On a personal note I went back to the doctor Tuesday because I was worried my incision was getting infected (because there hasn’t really been any improvement in the last week) so they gave me some antibiotics. Apparently the risk of infection for this surgery is very low because they didn’t even perscribe antibiotics from the start. I’m doing fine but still just generalized discomfort in the area, it hurts to walk and I have to be gentle about sitting. Because of the location they don’t stitch the incision closed (because of tension?) so I have an open surgical wound that has to be cleaned carefully and packed with gauze. Here’s hoping it closes up speedily now that I’m on antibiotics — and for no Cdiff.

Gawd

Our rediculous teachers have STILL not posted our clinical assignments which begin in less than 48 hours DISPITE having sent us an email saying they would be posted Saturday. God forbid we’re able to plan ahead and arrange transportation/schedules.

My panic attacks about the fall semester kicked into high gear last night with a bout of overwhelmed tears. I am glad I took most of last week off, it was nice to FINALLY have some quality time with Hubbin’. Hopefully I won’t have to wait till my next asssurgery to do it again.

And umm, so I guess there’s a SMALL part of me that’s glad I cancelled my vacation so I’m not in the Cancun airport trying to come home.