37!

I recently finished the sweater I started for her before we knew it was a her. A fancy yarn store was going out of business so my mom and I went and scooped up some not nearly discounted enough fancy yarns to make baby things with. We tried to stick with gender neutral stuff since my ultrasound wasn’t for another month and I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out anyway. I took the materials with me and started the sweater on the plane ride down to Mexico and got ALMOST to dividing for sleeves when on the way home Mexican customs confiscated my needles before letting me board the plane. Pregnancy hormones plus hours of work lost plus having to very first thing you’ve made for your baby ruined by a stranger in the airport led to me crying uncontrollably in the Mexican airport.

I did however restart it, and finally finished it and sewed buttons on a few weeks ago. I also sewed buttons and weaved in ends on all the other little things I’ve been saving in my closet. But here is her going home outfit (I hope it fits):

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The baby shower was great and I’m more than half done with my thank you notes. My parents are coming over today with two essential but not cute baby purchases (mattress and changing pad) so I think we might be as ready as well ever be.

Also this week they came by for our ‘orientation’ to the cloth diaper service. I signed us up for a 4 week trial and well see how it goes. I was very intimidated by the laundry aspect with both of us working full time plus a moderately insane grandmother in the house who fixates on things like laundry. After lots of reading it seems like if you don’t take care with how you wash the cloth diapers its easy to ruin them, since she’s ruined >20 of Hubbins dress shirts and sweaters by running them through the dryer we can safely say we can’t expect her to listen to washing instructions like special detergent, or line dry. …. Also the fact that I’m sure she’s going to want to “help” and won’t be able to safely do much with a newborn without supervision I suspected we would create a perfect storm. Anyway, much to my surprise I was able to find a diaper service that covers our address for $25/week…. Which doesn’t seem to bad to me? That includes all supplies along with laundering pick up and delivery. Plus better for the environment? So well see how it goes. I got cases of diapers at the baby shower so one way or another we will get by. (Good thing my cousin is still due in August so I’ve got a default disposable diaper hand off for anything the baby outgrows before we use it)

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I think we’re ready. I hope were ready. The other excellent news is now that we’ve made it to the 9th not only is she full term but I’m taking 12 weeks leave and Hubbins last day of teaching for the year is less than 12 weeks away! So we should be fairly solid with child care until August! Wheeeee!

In less exciting news I have a cold and a low fever for the last two days (99.6) that’s two colds this winter! Geez, pregnancy really does sap your immune strength cause I think it’s been a few years since I’ve even gotten so much as a cold and I work in an ER!

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35w1d

5 weeks has never seemed so long and so short at the same time…

So long in that I’m ready to be done, there. I said it. My pelvis, hips and SI joints ache constantly, sometimes downright painful if I’ve been doing more walking that day. Not like for exercise, but I mean a trip to the grocery store, target, or Costco can leave me weepy. I did get an SI-band that rather than a maternity support belt which supports your belly and back is a less flexible strap that sits down over your pelvis/hip area. It helps. Minimally. But over the last week I get the distinct impression her head is now too far down in my belly and does not like being squished. The belt (which is very adjustable) can no longer be worn tight enough to help my bony pain without feeling like its putting way more than a comfortable amount of pressure on my belly. 12 hour shifts at work now promise to be awesome. Yes. Yes, I really care about your your cold now patient, do you believe me? My hips and pelvis now crack when I walk up stairs or flip over at night. So yes, I’m ready to be done. Not to mention all whining aside, what does she look like?! I can’t wait to hold her! I can’t wait to carry her around in the baby wearing equipment I got. I can’t wait to nibble her little feet, and cheeks, and bum! (And if you think I’m desperate to meet her you should see her father who is so used impulse shopping I’m pretty sure he’s never had to wait for 9 months for anything in his life! …. Ie: he’s the kind of person who buys you a Christmas present then wants to give it to you a week before Christmas because he’s so excited about it) this week also begins my weekly doctors appointment so it’s starting to seem more real. And this week Hubbin was, ahem, ill, so he could come with me and the doctor gave us instructions about when to go to the hospital *eeep!*

So short in that, um no. Technically I’m totally not ready for her. Somewhat in my defense my baby shower isn’t until next weekend so I’ve tried to totally quit buying things in the event someone may gift them to us. So, the furniture is all built. And all the clothes are washed and folded. But we don’t have a crib mattress, or sheets, or anything else. I did get a gigantic pack of wipes and diapers, so I guess that’s mostly what you need… And we do have a carseat, so they’d let us bring her home. I’ve had calling the diaper service on my to do list for weeks too. Maybe ill do that this week?

And um. No. We haven’t decided on a name either. *for shame*

Despite all the not readiness I still kind of hope she’s a bit early cause I’m just so desperate to meet her.

12 Weeks Today

So far so good! I really owe you guys a real update but am almost NEVER on my computer now that school is over and now that I started my new job (and get my ass handed to me on a daily basis. Seriously. It’s rough. I like the paycheck but… REALLY miss my old job) plus I’m working 3-12s and 4-12s alternating weeks so… It’s a lot.

Anyway. I’m 12 weeks today and everything seems to be going well. I still have completely not overcome all of my infertility emotions. Like. Convinced things won’t work out. Plus I think I have a little PTSD from all the miscarriages I took care of at my old job (probably 3 or more a shift?). Life is just so fragile.

In short. I’ve told my parents and my two friends who had been following our saga closely. Hubbin? Has a big mouth. I’m pretty sure everyone who’s encountered him knows. Which was okay until we were at a party with his side of the family a week or so ago and EVERYONE was loudly asking me all kinds of questions. We had a fight. Then he yelled at his mom for telling all of them. I try to be understanding of the people who just don’t know how fragile life can be but… It’s hard. I’ve totally fished dead babies exactly this gestation out of the toilet in the ER. It’s hard to forget that stuff. Even if they weren’t my miscarriages

Anyway. More pleasant subjects:

We had our first trimester screening (nuchal translucency) ultrasound this week. Hubbin couldn’t get off work so I took my mom. The baby was suuuuuuper cute. Bouncy. Hands. Feet. The whole nine yards. It made me a lot more excited. And I handled talking about the baby in real terms in public when we went out to dinner with some of Hubbins friends tonight.

Here it is: Three days ago. …and that’s a little hand in front of the face all dramatic like.

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7/17/12

So I interrupt my regularly scheduled dull drum to let you know about a VERY exciting development. Following a 12 hour shift on 10 days past IUI #5 I lost my resolve to wait until my first morning pee the next day and tested.

The pink color scrolled right by the test line and filled up the control line and I was grouchy. Then I started brushing my teeth to get ready for bed and looked over… And lo… Something I’d never ever seen before was looking at me… A second line. I’m attaching the first original picture. My honest response (since I was home alone at the time) was to keep walking over and looking at it and saying aloud to myself “that’s not a joke?” “that’s not a joke”

I’ve of course gone through handfuls of my cheapie tests since then usually more than one a day. You know. Just to check.

I called the clinic 13dpiui just to be like “umm, I know I’m calling a day early but I’ve been getting positives at home for a few days now” so they brought me in the next morning for bloodwork.

I asked the lady drawing my blood yesterday “so when they call me with the number is that when they schedule me for Monday?” and she said “Why? Did you take a home test” I said “umm, more than I care to admit” she laughed and said “yeah that’s when they schedule you, don’t worry I won’t ask how many you took”. I said “good cause I honestly couldn’t tell you”

My first beta came back at 214!!! I feel like that’s a solid start. I keep having occassional cramping or sharp pains and expecting my period to start but no spotting so far… I go in Monday morning for a repeat and if it’s up by >60% I go in for an ultrasound at 6 & 8 weeks before they release me to my OB doctor.

So. We’re SUPER excited. I get a little nervous every time I get a cramp and I’m somewhat holding my breath til they call me with a number Monday afternoon.20120722-162620.jpg

No Closer

You’ve missed a lot and I’m not going to bother going through all the details, I might in a future post. The summary is IUI #4 should be in the next couple of days. I, once again, did not get a positive OPK at home so they have to bring me in for bloodwork and ultrasound to see about timing ($$$). So my hopes for a birthday IUI have been dashed… Although, my birthday didn’t serve as a particularly lucky totem as a testing day LAST summer when my period arrived on my birthday as scheduled.

My guess is it will be Tuesday. My lower belly is feeling tender and bloated like it has been the last few clomid cycles prior to ovulation. I hope I ovulate all the eggs produced, I’m a bit worried with the lack of positive OPK that I might not be releasing them all.

After this month I think we’ll be taking a break for a while… I don’t know for how long. Maybe wait til next summer? Maybe save for IVF? I get all anxious just thinking about IVF though. Number 1 because it’s SO expensive (and I’m a cheap bastard) and Number 2 I have NO, no, no, NO idea how I can work in all those appointments and procedures with my work schedule. After this IUI I have to schedule an appointment with the doctor for July to discuss everything and make a new plan, when I told Hubbin he of course was like “why?” (men!) … He still thinks all these failed cycles are somehow related to my stress/anxiety whatnot. He always tries to explain that he doesn’t think it’s ‘my fault’, but every time he throws a theory out there of why it’s not working its directly related to me. Which is frustrating. I guess if the only thing that’s ever been checked on you is 1 test and it was fine you probably would be inclined to think it’s the other person. He seems to forget they’ve worked me up and found nothing either.

I probably *should* be on an anti-depressant at this point, I’m sure I probably should have been for a while, but I’ve been putting it off because they don’t like you to take them while pregnant and I kind of thought that would happen by now… If we take an extended break I may go see my doctor to talk about it. This infertility thing has been very depressing.

–I also put off starting to dye my grey hair for like 2 years after I thought I wanted to start cause I kept thinking “what’s the point of starting if we have a baby and I need to quit”, I finally gave in after our first failed IUI. I guess this will be like that. I’ve been having a lot of reflective sort of moments after the last few weeks, I don’t know why they keep popping into my head. Like remember when you did this and thought you might get pregnant. Remember when you thought you might be pregnant by XYZ holiday or occasion. Remember when you bought your first box of ovulation tests and thought “HA! This is it! This is what I’ve been missing!” (along with the same thought every time you tried something new or bought another fertility related item.

I try really hard to NOT think like that now that I know those thoughts haunt you for forever. But sometimes you can’t help it. Sometimes the thoughts like “I hope I’m pregnant by Christmas” just pop into your head. Or I hope I have a baby by the time I turn. ___. It’s awfully hard to not have those thoughts.

I remember back in the day before we started all this, I wanted to have at least 1 child by the time I was 30 so I would have time to have the option of having a second child before I turned 35…. Now I turn 31 tomorrow and am no closer to having a first child.

Nothing

I’m sure it’s obvious by now that IUI #1 was a bust or clearly I would have been on here silently squealing days ago. We’re semi on hold treatment wise until May due to timing/scheduling issues.

In other news I’m leaving Monday for a week in the woods with my parents and my uncle & his girlfriend at their “cabin” which is not really a cabin but more of a fancy house in the woods with a hot tub. My agenda for the week includings drinking alcohol, sitting by the fire (hopefully it will snow to add some atmosphere) reading, knitting, I might take a nap (!!!!), and there’s a hot tub – surely 4 people in their 60s won’t judge my lack of working out and over indulging in depression fueled sweets for the last few months right? It’s okay to put on my bathing suit and soak.

The problem is that now that I’m going to ‘allow’ myself to knit & read leisure stuff for a week I’m kind of freaking out because I can’t decide what yarn I want to pack or project I want to do. I don’t think I want to take something for someone else and am completely torn on projects. I’ve spent the past two days polishing up my resume ¬†and writing a cover letter to send to my top-choice-company to work at post graduation because I got a direct ‘in’ contact of who to email with my information. I’m trying to keep in mind that I’m totally awesome and they’ll surely want to hire me – but optimism is really not my strong suit. Cover letters might be the lamest things on the planet to write.

“hello, here is my information portrayed in a professional and stuffy manner, can we just skip the formalities and you’ll hire me? I’m awesome I swear.”

Hubbin isn’t coming to the woods because they idea of sitting around for a week with nothing to do – while sounding devine to me- sounds like it might be physically painful for him. He and my MIL were going to go on a trip together but ended up not agreeing on a destination and thus are staying home. I’m glad to be getting away. She’s irritating me quite a bit. It’s like we have a teenager in the house again. She’s not supposed to go up or down stairs without help. (because she’s a ridiculous fall risk – between her broken arm, bad knee, cane, macular degeneration, & vertigo – just to name the highlights) and any time we’re both out of the house for more than 20 minutes she’s sneaking up stairs to screw with things in the living room/kitching/dining room. Hubbin said last night “I feel like we need to get a door to lock her down there cause I can just see her falling down the stairs, being paralyzed and then her stupid sisters who don’t want to help take care of her pointing their fingers at me and bitching I didn’t do enough to protect her”. It’s not that she’s broken something of mine – or moving important things. It’s the little things like you’re cooking and go to get the foil out of the drawer – and it’s not there. Or you go to get a mug for your coffee and all the mugs have been moved from the cabinet in the kitchen to a drawer in the dining room. Or you come downstairs and see that the brown outlet covers have been changed to white and there are screws missing. Or you leave a receipt on the table incase you want to return something and come back and it’s gone. *gaahhhhhh!*

God I sure hope so…

We went out for a date tonight. Chinese and a movie. Here are our fortune cookies: I’ve been in a terribly negative and disappointed mood today, so I sure hope our fortune cookies were trying to tell us something.

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