No Closer

You’ve missed a lot and I’m not going to bother going through all the details, I might in a future post. The summary is IUI #4 should be in the next couple of days. I, once again, did not get a positive OPK at home so they have to bring me in for bloodwork and ultrasound to see about timing ($$$). So my hopes for a birthday IUI have been dashed… Although, my birthday didn’t serve as a particularly lucky totem as a testing day LAST summer when my period arrived on my birthday as scheduled.

My guess is it will be Tuesday. My lower belly is feeling tender and bloated like it has been the last few clomid cycles prior to ovulation. I hope I ovulate all the eggs produced, I’m a bit worried with the lack of positive OPK that I might not be releasing them all.

After this month I think we’ll be taking a break for a while… I don’t know for how long. Maybe wait til next summer? Maybe save for IVF? I get all anxious just thinking about IVF though. Number 1 because it’s SO expensive (and I’m a cheap bastard) and Number 2 I have NO, no, no, NO idea how I can work in all those appointments and procedures with my work schedule. After this IUI I have to schedule an appointment with the doctor for July to discuss everything and make a new plan, when I told Hubbin he of course was like “why?” (men!) … He still thinks all these failed cycles are somehow related to my stress/anxiety whatnot. He always tries to explain that he doesn’t think it’s ‘my fault’, but every time he throws a theory out there of why it’s not working its directly related to me. Which is frustrating. I guess if the only thing that’s ever been checked on you is 1 test and it was fine you probably would be inclined to think it’s the other person. He seems to forget they’ve worked me up and found nothing either.

I probably *should* be on an anti-depressant at this point, I’m sure I probably should have been for a while, but I’ve been putting it off because they don’t like you to take them while pregnant and I kind of thought that would happen by now… If we take an extended break I may go see my doctor to talk about it. This infertility thing has been very depressing.

–I also put off starting to dye my grey hair for like 2 years after I thought I wanted to start cause I kept thinking “what’s the point of starting if we have a baby and I need to quit”, I finally gave in after our first failed IUI. I guess this will be like that. I’ve been having a lot of reflective sort of moments after the last few weeks, I don’t know why they keep popping into my head. Like remember when you did this and thought you might get pregnant. Remember when you thought you might be pregnant by XYZ holiday or occasion. Remember when you bought your first box of ovulation tests and thought “HA! This is it! This is what I’ve been missing!” (along with the same thought every time you tried something new or bought another fertility related item.

I try really hard to NOT think like that now that I know those thoughts haunt you for forever. But sometimes you can’t help it. Sometimes the thoughts like “I hope I’m pregnant by Christmas” just pop into your head. Or I hope I have a baby by the time I turn. ___. It’s awfully hard to not have those thoughts.

I remember back in the day before we started all this, I wanted to have at least 1 child by the time I was 30 so I would have time to have the option of having a second child before I turned 35…. Now I turn 31 tomorrow and am no closer to having a first child.

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One thought on “No Closer

  1. Okay, so here’s something else… My BFF took Clomid and she said that taking it made you crazy-hormonal! So, one more benefit of going off…

    And I feel terrible for this past week complaining that we can’t get pregnant… when I have two beautiful, healthy kids already. But because of current barrenness, I do feel a portion of your pain. :S

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