Category Archives: To Whom it May Concern

Gimpy Piglet

So our little Piglet is actually doing pretty well. We force fed her more calcium than we were probably supposed to for a few weeks. And while it took a couple weeks she slowly started to be able to move her back legs again, then was slowly able to grip things with her legs. …then walk around and get to the food bowl on her own. I’m pleasantly surprised by her progress. She’s still slightly on the gimpy side, and she may always require a private gecko apartment to avoid bullying but she’s really doing quite well. She even started to be able to jump short distances again not too long ago. I was terribly excited the first night she attempted a jump. I wanted her to get better (I still want her to get well enough to try for eggs with Little Dude) but I didn’t know if she’d actually make it to the point where I wouldn’t have to feed her with a dropper every couple days, I mean she couldn’t even walk! Amazing!

…. my computer on the other hand is a fucking disaster. Disaster. I will never buy another Dell. I think next time I’ll get a mac because then when something’s not working I can take it to the store. And speak with a human. Who will probably speak English. I spent I kid you not 1.5 FULL hours straight on the phone with the dell tech support line with Indians.

First I called the warranty people and mine was obviously expired after two years, but for a mere $120 they would renew it for a year. I took them up on it because I’ve already reformatted the harddrive twice and it’s still fucked up. The first person I spoke with after reupping my warranty tried to explain that I needed to buy the accident insurance too because accidental damage wasn’t covered. And she kept repeating herself until I said “I don’t want the accident insurance because it hasn’t been in an accident. I haven’t dropped it, nothing has been spilled on it”. Then the second time I spoke with a person she tried to tell me it was my battery, and that dell recommends replacing my battery after 1 year and mines overdue, on and on, until I finally said “LISTEN, it’s not my battery. My battery lasts for hours. My battery is FINE“. Then they started with the damn disconnecting. I must have been disconnected 4 times. “ohhhh let me transfer you to tech support”… or “hold on just a minute while I look that up”….  and every time I got disconnected it took another 10minutes of the phone tree to try and get back to a human. And godforbid you don’t answer the electronic phone tree questions right or the computer says “goodbye” I was SO IRRITATED.

Two different tech support people tried to troubleshoot the computer. (The first one disconnected me while I was running a diagnostic–not that it matters anyway because the screen was all pixilated with bizarre looking illegible characters anyway) Finally my good friend “Cuneet” said he would overnight me a box to ship my computer in. So my computer is across the country now, hopefully getting a lobotomy?

Note To Self

On your next day off do not turn on the computer or television. They are time warps and will suck away your whole day.

I set my alarm for 8am AND actually got up at 8 feeling well rested (I was so tired after work yesterday I was fast asleep by 10 and slept the whole night without even getting up to pee) then I made the mistake of turning the computer on to quickly *wink wink* read all of your blogs over breakfast. The whole rest of my day off I managed to do nothing but waste time on the computer, order new checks, and make dinner — where did the other 10 hours of my day go????

Clean Sweep

So one of the big projects I had been daydreaming of while in nursing school and studying for the NCLEX was redoing my wardrobe and becoming an adult clothes wise. I still have items in my closet from highschool for crying out loud. I want a new wardrobe that I can just open my closet in the morning and not have to go hunting for something decent to wear. I feel a big stopping point is that I’m afraid of throwing things out (or taking them to goodwill because that’s actually what I do) because what if I need that elementary school graduation T-shirt from 1993, it still fits afterall! As a side note that did get a stay of execution because my 6th grade graduation happens to also be the year Hubbin graduated from highschool and I do occasionally like to rub that in by wearing the tshirt 😉

But for starters, these shoes, which I was unaware were even IN my closet, look as though they have most definitely clocked enough miles and are ready for an official death in the dumpster.

So don’t worry, you won’t stumble upon them on your next trip to goodwill. I’m not sure why I thought an extended stint in the closet would make the foam and fabric that is supposed to keep your heel and the metal heel of the shoe separate reappear… I can assure you the sharp metal was still sticking out in all four heels. (See! I used to be in good shape and run every day I swear!) A few other nostalgic t-shirts that got a stay of execution:

My college sorority shirt, because I think that was our most creative logo ever!

My shirt from my outreach trip to Ecuador: “I’ve been to the center of the world!”

Another gem leftover from college:

I know we don’t discuss on this website where I live or anything because it might reveal too much about my patients but suffice to say I live in the northeast and we get what, maybe 5 90degree days per summer. So I was shocked with how many tank tops I was pulling out of my drawer.

I think some of these have never even been worn!

I got that maroon one on the left in highschool.

I hate discarding things because good lord what if there’s a whole month of 90 degree days next year? What if global warming suddenly starts accelerating. (Clearly I would have been well prepared! Look at them all! I could have been a great boy scout!)

I put my foot down though, and was proud. I got rid of close to half of them. I kept the ones with the shelf bras cause those can be slept in and worked out in as well as wearing under scrubs. I also kept ones that were good for layering.

I ended up filling three trash bags to the brim for drop off at good will, now I just have to pull my winter stuff out of the basement and get ride of 50% of it as well! Whew… Let the shopping begin!

Chapstick

So I was getting changed at the gym and taking everything out of my scrub pockets that I didn’t want washed with them and as I set my chapstick on the locker shelf, I noticed my chapstick has an expiration date on the bottom. And it’s next year?!

Isn’t it essentially just petrolium jelly?

I had no idea petroleum jelly had an expiration date. How can something that’s sole purpose is to be solid and greasy have an expiration date?! What happens if you’ve used expired petroleum jelly? Because I swear to you the vaseline in my parents medicine cabinet is from when I was a newborn. I mean can chapstick really go bad? Honestly?

In need of a 5 year plan…

So the other night at work my boss says “can I see you in my office for a few minutes when you finish that?”… yikes I thought. But really he just wanted to know if I would be interested in submitting an application for one of two RN positions he’s looking to fill. I told him yes indeed I would. I then had a conversation with Hubbin about various life aspects on the phone for 5 minutes then worked the rest of my shift (till 1:30am) and drove home. I’ve decided rather than trying to recapture all the billions of things bouncing around in my head that night I’m going to post the long-winded email I sent to Hubbin when I got home as it will be a far better update on my current life than any other post.

I smooched you when I got home, I don’t know if you remember… you cleared your throat but didn’t move much. 😉
I’m sitting on the floor of the bathroom right now, this may only be a quick email because, well it’s 3am, I got home and finished updating my resume and applied to be an RN in the ER… The starting salary says $20.50 an hour, which will most likely only partially kick in until I’ve passed boards. (A lot of time they start you out as a GN at a slightly lower salary until you’ve passed your boards, and then bump you up when you actually have a license)… I did a lot of thinking on the way home and had a lot of stuff bouncing around in my head, but after all that and looking up stuff about PA applications/dates I’m not sure I remember what all I originally wanted to put in this email.

So the two closest PA programs are A and B. B starts every January and A starts every fall… applications to enroll this fall 2008 were sent LAST may 2007, so applying now I’d really be applying to start in 2009 for either school, maybe even 2010 for B. There’s part of me that’s tempted to apply to everything (PA programs, Masters in Nursing programs) all at once and then just see what happens, but on the car ride home I think I decided I’d really rather do the PA program.

Part of what I don’t think I made clear is about nursing contracts… the issue with this supposed “nursing shortage” is nurses have the ability to job hop right now with little consequence, so what the hospitals have started doing is giving “signing bonuses” if a nurse is willing to sign on for a few years at a time. The consequence of leaving before your contract is up is you have to return your sign on bonus. That’s why as of March 1st Healthcare-Monopoly is getting rid of sign on bonuses because they’ve found it doesn’t really help their retention rate. So the reason there is a little rush to me applying now is if I have any interest in this bonus. Now… my boss didn’t have all the details but thought it was about $4,000 for 2 years. Which if I was already going to try and work for Healthcare-Monopoly for year so I didn’t have to repay my tuition and also get to keep my part of my retirement fund, then another year may be worth it. BUT if I leave after a year it would just mean repaying that… it doesn’t mean you CANT leave.

So if I’m going to get a $4000 sign on bonus, and I’m going to bargain for 2 weeks of vacation this summer, maybe we really could take a 2 week honeymoon? Would an extra $4000 allow us to tack on a flight and a few days in Germany too? Or another city in Italy? I do kind of feel like if I get the sign on bonus I’d like to use it purely for something fun.

Now, I know PA program B has the policy that once you’re admitted you’re -admitted- and you can defer for a year or two years, whatever… I don’t know much about A but I signed up to go to their open house in two weeks. I’ll have a sit down meeting with my mom in the near future about what kind of financial support exactly she’s got from my grandma. I mean I guess in an ideal world taking no time off and going straight into grad school is the best thing to do… but right this minute, I am TOTALLY burnt out. I mean going straight in, which I guess can’t even really happen now cause the deadlines for this fall are already closed, would mean I’d be done sooner and could get on with my life sooner, then I wouldn’t find it so challenging to wait till after grad school to talk about a baby. But if I can’t start till fall of 2009 then that’s 2011-2012? when I’m finishing (it’s a 2-2.5 year program) then I’m 31 when I finish? I know that’s probably the smart thing to do, but that just seems like forever. Plus I just feel like the work + school thing is murder on our marriage. From what I know about PA school it’s going to be just as intense as what’s going on right now… I think both programs have class from like 8a-5p M-F, plus you have all your clinical rotations… It honestly is just like doing the first two years of med-school.

I was discussing with my mom earlier, just cause I was asking her if she thought career wise it was an OK move to take the ER job… essentially cause it’s kind of a cushy nursing job, you’re not always drowning in patients, its short term care blah blah blah… but you also wouldn’t necessarily get all the “skills” you might at another job, which depending on who you talk to may or may not be important… but then on the other hand I also know what I’m getting into, I know the people, I know the system and yadda yadda yadda. Mom was very Pro-ER-job. (I mean if I’m applying to PA school, I don’t necessarily really *need* nursing experience?)

As a side note… MAN it is STORMING outside…. you should HEAR the wind and stuff blowing around!

I just have so much bouncing around in my head right now it’s driving me crazy… pros and cons of every little nuance of every decision for the next 5 years… work, school, family… everything. Alright… so I guess I managed to come up with everything I was thinking of on the drive home, I don’t know how much sense I made though… It’s 3:30 I’m going to FINALLY get my shower and tuck in.

Lies! All Lies!

So I had surgery just about 2 months ago now, and I’m still unwilling to say that it was worth it quite yet because my wound is still not healed and it’s still draining.

Today I had to go back to the doctor’s office again to get it inspected. The cute physicians assistant (I have a girl crush) and I are no longer friends. Holy fuck! I just had my ass cauterized!

Note to self: When you ask the physicians assistant “Will this hurt?” and she replies “it shouldn’t, but I’ll get this ready incase”… know that she is lying.It is very easy for the doctor to say “this won’t hurt” when it’s not their ass getting barbequed!

If I had known this was going to happen I would have brought some fucking pain killers! She said I might bleed some more and have black discharge but not to worry and I’m to return in 2 weeks regardless. SHIT! I’m walking around like I just got ass raped. I was driving out of the parking lot talking to myself in choppy little sentences (in my best southpark cartman voice) in between deep breaths going: “Lies!” “fuck!” going over a bump: “That bitch!”

So the official non-complaining story is that I went in and explained that I was still having drainage and it was neon yellow and she was like “well are you having any pain or feeling any lumps down there?” (infection) and I was like “no not really” and she said “Well are you noticing any improvement?” and I said “not really in the past few weeks”. And she was like “yeah this is really too long, it should be all healed by now” so then as she’s sitting down to look she says “I wonder if you have hypertrophic (excess growth) tissue” and then she says “yep, that’s exactly what the problem is” So she explains that my surgery has healed so there’s like a little flap of tissue that sometimes is covering the wound so that prevents it from healing flat which is what you want. She said she’s only seen that happen to one other person since she’s been there, so it’s rare but they have seen it. So she said “I’m going to go get some silver nitrate and put that on and that should take care of the problem and get it to heal flat” …. then she leaves the room and my brain is going “silver nitrate, silver nitrate, sounds familiar, I’m not liking the sound of this”… so she comes back and I said “So is this going to really hurt?” and she goes “no, it shouldn’t, but I’ll get a sponge of water ready to counteract it just in case” so then she chemically cauterized my ass and it’s still burning like a motherfucker 3 hours later.

Oh, what? Too much information? Well! Now we’re best friends!

Dear Travel Agency

Dear Travel Agency,
Reggae is not a good choice for on-hold musak. It’s extremely irritating when you’re on hold for longer than 3 minutes to have a 2 song reggae loop, especially when you’re on hold while they’re cancelling your trip. There needs to be a special selection of hold music to play while canceling someone’s summer vacation.
Thanks,
SSFB

Dear Creepy Man

Dear Creepy Man down the hall,
People give you odd looks because it is socially inappropriate to make prolonged eye contact without acknowledging the other person. When you are passing someone in the hallway it is not appropriate to turn you head to keep staring after they have passed.

Just because you are have complete horseshoe baldness at the age of 22 does not mean you can neglect hair grooming tasks. Men need haircuts at least once a month, this will prevent the unsightly warewolf neck you are cultivating. Excess hair on the neck is not an appropriate substitute for hair on the head. Additionally, you still need to shower and wash your head. I recommend Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo.

Following these simple rules will cut back drastically on your level of creepiness and will be less likely to make your coworkers visibly uncomfortable to be around you. Just trying to be helpful.
Sincerely,
SSFB