Lies! All Lies!

So I had surgery just about 2 months ago now, and I’m still unwilling to say that it was worth it quite yet because my wound is still not healed and it’s still draining.

Today I had to go back to the doctor’s office again to get it inspected. The cute physicians assistant (I have a girl crush) and I are no longer friends. Holy fuck! I just had my ass cauterized!

Note to self: When you ask the physicians assistant “Will this hurt?” and she replies “it shouldn’t, but I’ll get this ready incase”… know that she is lying.It is very easy for the doctor to say “this won’t hurt” when it’s not their ass getting barbequed!

If I had known this was going to happen I would have brought some fucking pain killers! She said I might bleed some more and have black discharge but not to worry and I’m to return in 2 weeks regardless. SHIT! I’m walking around like I just got ass raped. I was driving out of the parking lot talking to myself in choppy little sentences (in my best southpark cartman voice) in between deep breaths going: “Lies!” “fuck!” going over a bump: “That bitch!”

So the official non-complaining story is that I went in and explained that I was still having drainage and it was neon yellow and she was like “well are you having any pain or feeling any lumps down there?” (infection) and I was like “no not really” and she said “Well are you noticing any improvement?” and I said “not really in the past few weeks”. And she was like “yeah this is really too long, it should be all healed by now” so then as she’s sitting down to look she says “I wonder if you have hypertrophic (excess growth) tissue” and then she says “yep, that’s exactly what the problem is” So she explains that my surgery has healed so there’s like a little flap of tissue that sometimes is covering the wound so that prevents it from healing flat which is what you want. She said she’s only seen that happen to one other person since she’s been there, so it’s rare but they have seen it. So she said “I’m going to go get some silver nitrate and put that on and that should take care of the problem and get it to heal flat” …. then she leaves the room and my brain is going “silver nitrate, silver nitrate, sounds familiar, I’m not liking the sound of this”… so she comes back and I said “So is this going to really hurt?” and she goes “no, it shouldn’t, but I’ll get a sponge of water ready to counteract it just in case” so then she chemically cauterized my ass and it’s still burning like a motherfucker 3 hours later.

Oh, what? Too much information? Well! Now we’re best friends!


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