Gosh, it’s so hard to tell a story when you’re so far behind…. thinking about the energy it would take to start at the beginning exhausts me. I also don’t really relish the idea of typing out the whole story because, like I said, I know what I’d say to someone if I read this story. The story kind of makes me sound like a sucker which I don’t like either. And I’m sure you’re all going to read this and think Hubbin’ is a total asshole, there’s just too many emotions involved for me to think that at this point. So… please refrain from straight-up “he’s a jerk, leave him” comments because like I said before I’m still really hoping this will all work out.
The summary is that this isn’t a new problem (sucker) and it’s not that we’re fighting… He’s committed one of those unforgivable offenses. I wonder if we were fighting if it would make it easier to decide what to do? The problem is that he’s got himself into trouble talking to girls online. There, I said it. Hubbin’ is cheating on me in the new-aged-computer-fashion.
I guess I’m suspicious by nature, my only other long-term serious boyfriend lied (a lot) but the first text message from a girl I stumbled on by accident. Our friends were on vacation and were to be coming home that day and Hubbin was out mowing the lawn when his cellphone started chirping, so I picked it up to see the message, assuming it was his friend. And this is the part I hate to admit… that was before we got married. Ugh. Shame you can’t see into the future, ehh? At first he tried to deny it, that lasted all of 10 minutes because, well, I had seen different already. He sent a reply text message in my presences that he had plans with his fiance that night. I’m sure it won’t shock you that the immediate response was “I didn’t know you were engaged?” …. So he quit talking to her. Obviously more drawn out but this is the abbreviated version.
…but I never quit snooping. I know, snooping is wrong. But what he’s doing is more wrong. Don’t worry, I told him those exact words.
Now it’s much worse. Much, much worse. Once again, the surface was discovered by snooping, gosh a couple months ago now. Different girl, worse problem. I knoooooooow. I know what you’re thinking. Once a cheater always a cheater, god I’ve made the same comment to friends too. That’s why I can’t talk to anyone. I could tell you word for word what’d they’d say. You got married too fast, Once a cheater always a cheater, Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I KNOW. I feel like a fool. My close friends from high school never really liked him much to begin with, I’m sure my mother would insist I pack up immediately and move back in with her (for all eternity)… my dad might kill him… might…
And I’ve spent the past few weeks thinking, where would I go if I moved out? How would I ever find someone so perfect for me again? I can’t imagine it’s even possible, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in another person save for the now possibly unfixable trust issue standing between us.
I knew some of this from snooping, but during our very emotional conversation the other night He really just let it all out. He said he decided the only hope of me ever trusting him again was to tell the whole entire truth. It was really really hard to listen to. From our previous talks over the past few weeks he told me he felt rushed to get married because his father was dying. Now he’s not sure he made the right decision, he’s not sure a happy comfortable life is what he’s meant to lead. He feels stuffy here.
So she lives in east europe. He’s never met her in person but he first started talking to her online, mmmm 4? 5 years ago? fuck. I was extra suspicious because I know he’s going to europe this summer because the best man in our wedding is getting married. I asked him if he had planned to meet her. He said he did. He said they talked for a real long time years ago and she always wanted him to come visit, but he chickened out… they quit talking after that. Then she found his number/email/whocares and sent him a message last spring. Isn’t that wonderful? Brings warm fuzzy tears to your eyes doesn’t it? And he’s been talking to her since. He’s started into this whole “what if” frame of mind, and feels like he just can’t know for sure about us until he’s met her face to face. Do you see why I didn’t want to type this out? I feel like such a moron.
Now he’s spent the past week trying to make me smile and I’ve spent the past week crying at the drop of a hat. I have to chock back tears at work, anytime I’m sitting and left to think for too long I want to cry. In the car. Shower. Lunch break. Plus I feel like a fraud. After the Christmas party everyone was saying how cute and charming he is. What do you say to that?
I, obviously, want to work things out and have a happy marriage. I meant it when I got married. He wants to work things out too, I told him it’s awfully hard for me to work at building our relationship when I know he’s building a relationship with someone else too. But, I mean telling him to quit talking to her isn’t going to solve the problem is it? Telling him he can’t go this summer isn’t going to make me feel any better.
I don’t know what would make me feel better. I can’t imagine moving out would really make me feel better either? I feel lost, a mess. I don’t know what to do, I just want everything to be better. I’ve known for a few months things weren’t quite right, but I was really hoping that I could be done with nursing school before I had to really deal with them. I’m just so hurt, and feel like the only one who can make me feel better is Hubbin’… and he does a little, it’s certainly not for lack of trying… He tells me he thinks he wants a future with me, he’s just not sure. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him again.