Lost

Gosh, it’s so hard to tell a story when you’re so far behind…. thinking about the energy it would take to start at the beginning exhausts me. I also don’t really relish the idea of typing out the whole story because, like I said, I know what I’d say to someone if I read this story. The story kind of makes me sound like a sucker which I don’t like either. And I’m sure you’re all going to read this and think Hubbin’ is a total asshole, there’s just too many emotions involved for me to think that at this point. So… please refrain from straight-up “he’s a jerk, leave him” comments because like I said before I’m still really hoping this will all work out.

The summary is that this isn’t a new problem (sucker) and it’s not that we’re fighting… He’s committed one of those unforgivable offenses. I wonder if we were fighting if it would make it easier to decide what to do? The problem is that he’s got himself into trouble talking to girls online. There, I said it. Hubbin’ is cheating on me in the new-aged-computer-fashion.

I guess I’m suspicious by nature, my only other long-term serious boyfriend lied (a lot) but the first text message from a girl I stumbled on by accident. Our friends were on vacation and were to be coming home that day and Hubbin was out mowing the lawn when his cellphone started chirping, so I picked it up to see the message, assuming it was his friend. And this is the part I hate to admit… that was before we got married. Ugh. Shame you can’t see into the future, ehh? At first he tried to deny it, that lasted all of 10 minutes because, well, I had seen different already. He sent a reply text message in my presences that he had plans with his fiance that night. I’m sure it won’t shock you that the immediate response was “I didn’t know you were engaged?” …. So he quit talking to her. Obviously more drawn out but this is the abbreviated version.

…but I never quit snooping. I know, snooping is wrong. But what he’s doing is more wrong. Don’t worry, I told him those exact words.

Now it’s much worse. Much, much worse. Once again, the surface was discovered by snooping, gosh a couple months ago now. Different girl, worse problem. I knoooooooow. I know what you’re thinking. Once a cheater always a cheater, god I’ve made the same comment to friends too. That’s why I can’t talk to anyone. I could tell you word for word what’d they’d say. You got married too fast, Once a cheater always a cheater, Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I KNOW. I feel like a fool. My close friends from high school never really liked him much to begin with, I’m sure my mother would insist I pack up immediately and move back in with her (for all eternity)… my dad might kill him… might…

And I’ve spent the past few weeks thinking, where would I go if I moved out? How would I ever find someone so perfect for me again? I can’t imagine it’s even possible, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in another person save for the now possibly unfixable trust issue standing between us.

I knew some of this from snooping, but during our very emotional conversation the other night He really just let it all out. He said he decided the only hope of me ever trusting him again was to tell the whole entire truth. It was really really hard to listen to. From our previous talks over the past few weeks he told me he felt rushed to get married because his father was dying. Now he’s not sure he made the right decision, he’s not sure a happy comfortable life is what he’s meant to lead. He feels stuffy here.

So she lives in east europe. He’s never met her in person but he first started talking to her online, mmmm 4? 5 years ago? fuck. I was extra suspicious because I know he’s going to europe this summer because the best man in our wedding is getting married. I asked him if he had planned to meet her. He said he did. He said they talked for a real long time years ago and she always wanted him to come visit, but he chickened out… they quit talking after that. Then she found his number/email/whocares and sent him a message last spring. Isn’t that wonderful? Brings warm fuzzy tears to your eyes doesn’t it? And he’s been talking to her since. He’s started into this whole “what if” frame of mind, and feels like he just can’t know for sure about us until he’s met her face to face. Do you see why I didn’t want to type this out? I feel like such a moron.

Now he’s spent the past week trying to make me smile and I’ve spent the past week crying at the drop of a hat. I have to chock back tears at work, anytime I’m sitting and left to think for too long I want to cry. In the car. Shower. Lunch break. Plus I feel like a fraud. After the Christmas party everyone was saying how cute and charming he is. What do you say to that?

I, obviously, want to work things out and have a happy marriage. I meant it when I got married. He wants to work things out too, I told him it’s awfully hard for me to work at building our relationship when I know he’s building a relationship with someone else too. But, I mean telling him to quit talking to her isn’t going to solve the problem is it? Telling him he can’t go this summer isn’t going to make me feel any better.

I don’t know what would make me feel better. I can’t imagine moving out would really make me feel better either? I feel lost, a mess. I don’t know what to do, I just want everything to be better. I’ve known for a few months things weren’t quite right, but I was really hoping that I could be done with nursing school before I had to really deal with them. I’m just so hurt, and feel like the only one who can make me feel better is Hubbin’… and he does a little, it’s certainly not for lack of trying… He tells me he thinks he wants a future with me, he’s just not sure. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him again.

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8 thoughts on “Lost

  1. Oooh, she’s online… and I’m going to bed here in a minute!

    It’s never easy when your heart’s involved, is it. I don’t for a minute envy your decision, but I’ll tell you, from where I’m sitting, I really would like to scream, “RUN THE OTHER WAY, THIS GUY’S GOT THE FREAKIN’ PLAGUE!!” But it’s not that easy, is it.

    My next thought was that it’s a good thing you guys don’t have kids yet… If things work out, maybe later, but for now, it’s complicated enough.

    My NEXT thought was about snooping. I totally snoop on Jonathan… sometimes wittingly, sometimes not. I actually broke into his email (I’m so suspicious, I can’t help that…) and had to confess when I had to change his password because of the WAY I broke in. (I can’t help but be a LITTLE smug that I could do it… but still!) I KNOW he’s faithful, but sometimes, it’s nice to look around and not find that I’m wrong. He was NOT happy that I was snooping, but now I know his password, so… I guess he had problems with his ex-wife doing stuff in his email? There’re two sides to that, I’m sure.

    Sooooooo… the next step. Who knows. I guess you could always go on Dr. Phil, huh? *laughing* There’s certainly enough drama… Okay, not funny. 🙂 Anyway. I’m thinkin’ about you… You can come stay here for a couple of weeks while you’re thinking about things. I’ll grill sandwiches for you and you could sleep in Scooter’s tent. 🙂

  2. I hope everything works out for the best for you. I only know you from reading here of course, but you seem to be a very strong person and I think you’ll come out of this alright, whatever happens.

  3. I would just like to say that I’ve been through a VERY similar situation in my life recently. When I was at the point you are currently, I had the same urges to hide what was going on from my friends and family and I can tell you that although its tough, relying on your friends for support is probably the best thing you can do right now. Its important for you to remember that people other than Hubbin’ care about you and there is more to your life than that relationship. I am getting choked up typing this actually, because reading your post reminded me of how horrible it all felt. Anyway, if you want to talk more to a complete stranger about it, feel free to contact me. Sometimes its nice to know someone knows how you feel, ya know?

    Stephanie

  4. I don’t have any wise advice, but I have known people who left “the one” and found afterward that they really were better off without him / her.

    I also know MANY women who say that counseling saved their marriages, even to the point where some of them were taking their rings off and ready to walk out the door…and now the marriages are strong and, while still in progress, a source of joy rather than turmoil.

    And I know women who tried counseling, tried as hard as they humanly could and still had no realistic choice but to walk away at the end of it all.

    If you need to talk or vent or just want someone to chat with, you can email / IM me anytime.

    I’m so, so sorry to hear how rough things have been 😦

    **HUGS**

  5. I, too, have been there and done that. My husband has not cheated on me, but my parents got divorced because my dad cheated on my mom…there is a lot more story there. However, I do know that people can change. My father is living proof of it.

    This is not a deal breaker as far as your marriage is concerned. It can be worked out, if your husband wants to as well. You may never get over the hurt. You will need counseling. I am praying for you and your marriage. I am so sorry that you are feeling what you are feeling right now.

  6. I keep typing sentences and then deleting them because they sound lame.

    I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time in your personal life. I’m even sorrier you have to go through this and deal with school at the same time (it sucks to add stress to an already stress-filled time). I hope that writing about this brings some clarity. If nothing else, I hope it helps you to realize you are not alone.

    My thoughts will be with you. I hope for the best and send great, big hugs in the meantime.

  7. Oh, I had no idea. I am so sorry you are in this position. My heart aches for the heartache you must be living right now.

    I don’t have any valuable advice either. We all have our opinions, but none of us have been in YOUR shoes.

    I’ll tell you one thing though… he’d better turn that damn heat up in the house. He owes you AT LEAST that.

    I’ve learned to really care about you. I admire you. I wish we were neighbors and could talk over coffee.

    I’m in your corner, SSFB.

    -Jen

  8. Pingback: In passing conversation « Braindrops

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