No Spider Left Behind

For Immediate Release
Wednesday 18, 2006 13:33hrs

I am pleased to make the public announcement that the “no spider left behind” act was endorsed by both houses this weekend after several weeks of debate. Congress was notably pleased by the approval of the “bedroom anti-immigration” act. Line item #3: The concession of the lowest level of the house as a no kill zone was also passed with a low margin and will likely fall under a “martial law- don’t see, don’t kill policy” also known as “biggest weapon wins policy”.

In other news, the attic will be maintained as uninhabitable territory. The use of WMDs is approved to begin this evening with both intense air strikes and additional landmine placement. The code level has been raised to red, indicating immanent use of force and a warning has been posted against all rodent activity.

One night last week I was sound asleep. I woke up at 3am because I thought I heard someone knocking on our front door. No one should be knocking on our front door at 3am, maybe there was an accident? I laid in bed to see if I heard it again, nothing. I got up and moved to stand at the top of our staircase. My heart was pounding. I heard nothing and stood there in silence trying to rationalized what I heard. Maybe you were dreaming? no I swear I heard it. Is someone breaking into the house? Why would they knock and alert us? I decided I would quietly go to the bathroom before I went back to bed. I didn’t see any cars outside. I laid back down and was purposefully trying to convince myself I had dreamed it. Then I heard it again! Three quick knocks. I repeated the process, this time grabbing my cellphone to stand at the top of the stairs and listen. My husband had fallen asleep on the couch and I could hear him, but I couldn’t tell if he was awake or not. I tiptoed downstairs deciding that checking the locks would at least allow me to fall back asleep. This of course woke my husband up and he assured me he had heard nothing and since he had been asleep on the couch surely he would have heard it.

The only rational explanation I came up with is we must have a squirrel in our attic. Last fall we eradicated a few field mice. My husband went up to check and found approximately 30 buckeyes stockpiled in the attic insulation. He’s now loaded the attic with blocks of rat poison and sticky traps. Here’s hoping they move out with little fuss.

Living out in (what I consider) the country has other drawbacks. Spiders. Big ones. Creeeeeepy ones. Must go, I cannot co-habitate with these… ew


One thought on “No Spider Left Behind

  1. Well, blast–now that we’re linked, I guess I need to leave comments–lol I would have been content to be a lurker, promise!

    We have spiders–yech. No mice of which I’m aware, but ignorance is certainly bliss in my case. We REALLY should exterminate… we found somebody “inexpensive” for $300 per year…

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